Are you looking to freshen up your comedy arsenal or to just make fun of your fellow musicians? As we know those are two very important tasks, we prepared this jolly compilation of jokes about musicians and their craft especially for you. If you’re a musician, and you probably are, please don’t get offended – we’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you. Plus, we’re also musicians.

● Don’t let your kids watch symphonies on TV. There’s too much sax and violins.

● Middle C, E-flat and G walk into a bar. “Sorry,” the bartender says to the E-flat, ”we don’t serve minors here.”

● Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

● What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor!

● Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer? He was Haydn.

● How can you tell if a singer’s at the door? They can’t find the key and they never know when to come in

● What’s the difference between a guitar solo and a hurricane? Nothing. You know it’s coming, and there’s not a thing you can do about it.

● What’s the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.

● How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep? Pay them for the pizza.

● What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

● What do clarinetists use for birth control? Their personalities.

● What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A music critic.

● Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million.

● What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.

● How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They can’t get that high.

● How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, “Not bad, but I could’ve done it better”.

● What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? A bass player.

● Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry are at your door:
Pete: Кnock, knock!
You: Who’s there?
Pete: Yes, it’s us.

● What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

● What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? On a bull, the horns are in front and the asshole is in back.

● What’s the difference between a viola and a fish? You can’t tuna fish. (badum dum ts)

● What’s an accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map.

● At the end of an exhausting world tour, Michael Jackson was being chauffeured back to his ranch in a stretch limo, when he said to the driver, “I`ve never driven one of these, could I try it out ?”. The driver said sure and let the famous singer settle behind the wheel, and then climbed into the back. Excited by this new experience, Michael started to accelerate until the limo was speeding down the road. At this point he saw the flashing lights of a police vehicle in his rear-view mirrors and pulled over. The officer looked at Michael and stepped back, “Excuse me Sir,” he said, “I`d better call this one in”. The officer radioed headquarters: “Listen Chief, I`ve just pulled over a really important person and I`m not sure what to do.” “Who is it ?” asked his chief, “not the Governor again?”. “No, this guy is much more important,” said the officer. “More important than the Governor!” yelled the Chief, “Who the hell is it then?”, “I`m not absolutely certain,” said the officer, “but his chauffeur is Michael Jackson”.

● How many lead vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1 but they have to hold still while the whole world revolves around them.

● You come to a fork in the road and are unsure which way to go. Standing at the intersection are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a good viola player, and a bad viola player. Whom do you ask for directions? The bad viola player, of course. The other three are just figments of your imagination…

● A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” says the receptionist over the phone. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply. During the last call she asks him why he keeps calling to keep getting the same reply: “I just like to hear you say it.”

Do you have any good music jokes up your sleeve? Well, come on – share them with us in the comments. If you don’t, we suggest you meet up with some fellow musicians on Drooble and ask them for their favourite musical punchlines.